I hope everyone has been having a good week. Mine has been filled with ice packs on my bowling ball-sized belly, lots of naps, terrible constipation, and mixed emotions. I didn't post much on Tuesday due to my anesthesia and percocet induced loopiness so I'll go into Monday's events and the aftermath in more detail now.
We got to the RE’s office and started the transvaginal ultrasound. Unlike the ultrasound at the ER in February, this time we could see the screen and the RE pointed everything out to us on the screen, explaining things as he went. As much as we hoped to see the “black hole” in the uterus indicating a gestational sac, there was a whole lot of nothing in the uterus. Oh god no, where is the sac then??? After quite a bit of painful maneuvering of the ultrasound wand, we all saw it - that little black sac - the RE couldn’t tell if it was in the tube but it was definitely outside of the uterus. Damn, another ectopic. Then with a little more painful maneuvering, we could see a large area of free fluid (blood) pooling behind the uterus. At that point we all knew it was too late for the methotrexate shot and that surgery was the only option. The doctor left the room to call the on-call RE to see if he would be able to do the surgery that night. DH looked so sad and just devastated and as I looked at him I couldn’t help but cry. I cried at the fact that we lost another baby, that DH was going to have to sit in another OR waiting room worrying about me going through surgery, and that once my last tube was removed we’d never again be able to get pregnant naturally.
DH dropped me off at the hospital ER so I could get registered and prepped while he took pup to get boarded for the night, then he came back to sit with me till the OR was ready for me. We both noticed we didn’t have the same anxiety we had in February, it’s like we’d become old pros at waiting for emergency surgery which helped but is kind of sad at the same time. No one should have to go through this twice – much less twice in a 6 month, 1 day span. By 9:30pm, the OR was ready for me and I quickly fell into that lovely sleep that only anesthesia can provide – I remember 2.5 deep breaths into the oxygen mask and then nothing else until the doctor told me the surgery went fine. I was so happy when they brought DH in to see me. The recovery room isn’t the most romantic place in the world, but as we sat together sharing a late night dinner of juice and popsicles, I fell even more in love with my husband – who loves me more every day, despite the fact that I keep losing parts. At midnight we drove home and DH made sure my favorite songs kept playing on the iPod.
So how do I feel emotionally now? Well, for one, I’m incredibly sad. While I tried to maintain that cautious optimism these last 2 weeks, I was getting hopeful that all would be well. In addition, we always thought we could try IVF eventually if we needed to and if that didn’t work, we could just try naturally as long as my eggs would allow. But now we know IVF has to work for us in order to have a pregnancy. Now we know there is no more trying without our RE, an embryologist, IVF nurse coordinators, daily injections, and about $9-12k per try.
Another emotion I’m feeling is relief. That may sound crazy, but I’m relieved that no matter what we do after this, there are no more tubes for embryos to get stuck in (surprisingly, you can have ectopics with IVF too if the embryos float up into the tubes.) And I’m relieved that after 2 long weeks of worrying about all the bleeding and cramping I was having, I know that I’m ok now.
I also feel hopeful. The RE’s and staff that we have been working with at South Jersey Fertility Center have been wonderful. We’ve now met 3 of the RE’s at that practice through our original consultation, Monday’s ultrasound, and my surgery and each one of them has been wonderful. We’re very optimistic that with their help, we will be able to fulfill our dream of having a child together.
And lastly I feel thankful – thankful for my wonderful DH who stays by my side and gets me smiling again, even after I tell him in my sadness that he should dump me and go find himself a young fertile wife. I’m thankful for our friends and family who continue to send us thoughts and prayers along this journey. I’m thankful for my message board friends who have been a wealth of information and support over the last two years of trying to conceive. And I’m thankful for my gut instinct, who twice now has told me things inside just weren’t right.
So where do we go from here? Well, for one, I keep resting and healing from this ordeal. My puncture wounds from the surgery are healing nicely, the swelling is going down a little each day, and emotionally I’m doing ok. Then, I’m looking forward to Wednesday when I have my follow-up appointment with the RE that operated on me. I’m very interested to hear the details of what they found when they did the surgery (since the last time I spoke to the doctor I was in and out of anesthesia la-la land.) And we’ll talk about IVF in more detail now that we know that is the path we’ll need to take.
One thing is for certain - we’re going to keep plugging along with the optimism that has gotten us through a very tough year. To quote DH, "Everything we've been through has only made our relationship stronger." Babe, I couldn't agree more!
No comments:
Post a Comment